if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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