im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
