FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My pussy is not your playground.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
