Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
