My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
