i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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