that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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