wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
