Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
