Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
