Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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