he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
