My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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