News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
