Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
