Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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