im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
