my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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