remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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