Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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