I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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