So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
