i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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