: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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