1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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