She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
