I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
