Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
