the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
