He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
