All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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