I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
