How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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