If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The power of my boobs compel you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
