it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
