You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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