she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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