just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
