And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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