Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
