R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have demons in me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
