Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
