so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
