I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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