I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
