the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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