It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
