I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
