1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
