Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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