i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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