I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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