when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
