is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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