theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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